One of my biggest challenges in my healing over the last several months has been to unload the belief that moving through the struggles required anything outside of myself. More simply put-I am realizing (slowly…very slowly) that apologies, closure, discussions, acknowledgement etc. are not necessary things to move forward. Although those admissions sometimes can bring about further clarity, most often they end up compounding issues and never truly satisfying the actual wound. I think there are two reasons for this:

1. Once the hurt is created, words don’t stop it from being.
2. It becomes necessary to care for that wound yourself.

Furthermore, when I stopped to think about it on a bigger level, although I can certainly itemize the points in my life that have created the heavy baggage, the more obvious challenge has been overcoming myself. I am the elephant in the room. I have been my biggest fight thus far.

It has been the turmoil inside of me that has driven thought patterns, choices and behaviours. When I reflect on the past year especially, although the tendency is to hone in (with laser-like precision) on how the actions of others can be identified as the cause of situations, it actually isn’t about that at all.

What it is about is my refusal to accept the truths of my life:

1. I saw red flags and ignored them
2. I have ineffective coping skills in certain situations
3. I take things personally far too often (aka-I am only learning in my 40’s that other people’s junk has nothing to do with me)
4. My self worth was in the negative
5. I have no stable sense of boundaries (I am actually just becoming comfortable with what they are and how to respectfully use them)

I am sure this list is not exhaustive but I’ve hit the big points here. Historically, instead of looking at these truths with some compassion and then using them to change direction, I would become caught up in the “why” I did these things and inevitably succumb to a self-bashing session(s). Yet, the “why’s” really don’t matter. Because this is the truth of me and how I have played roles in anything and everything that has happened to me. Either through action or non-action, I have been involved in all of it. Though “non-action” implies some passiveness, there really has never been anything passive about any of it. I have experienced discomfort of varying levels and refused to acknowledge it. I let myself down.

We should be our own defenders. We should be delivering the truth to ourselves-not needing it to come from an external source. Our bodies and nervous system already know the truth anyway-long before any other source will.

So instead of resolutions or plans for 2023 as 2022 comes to a close, I’m heading forward with my focus on a word that I heard in discussion last week. Reconciliation.

Making friends with myself. At 46, it’s probably time to stop the fight.

Underneath all of the protection we have built, there is the truth.