Something strange happened in one moment, on one day, about 9 months ago. I have tried to put words to it to recount it-to make sense of it. I’ve written parts of it out over the last few months to try to dissect it. It was a paramount moment in my life for all intents and purposes. Ironically, as much time and energy as I have dedicated to remembering exactly what the sequence of events was, I can’t. The closest I can come to describing what happened is to say that I reached out and pulled a plug out of the wall. Quickly-so that everything was immediately shut off.

I have realized since, that verbalizing the scenario, the players and all the actions is useless. None of it matters because, in the end, it will only ever be my interpretation of what happened anyway. It became so glaringly clear to me that the focus is the feeling of that immediate disconnect from the situation-how it felt to me to remove that “plug from the wall”. How that one motion was the cumulative effect of thousands of words, thoughts and actions about that one situation. And though that one action on that one day 9 months ago was a pinnacle moment, it produced virtually no emotion inside of me.

After mulling it over for hours and days and weeks, I came to two possible conclusions:

I’m a psychopath incapable of feeling anything

The peaks and valleys that we experience in life incite very little feeling in and of themselves

Encouraging myself to go with my second conclusion, I began to mentally review the “big” moments over the life that I have lived so far. Everything from graduations, to breakups, to births to illness and deaths. When I reproduced them one by one in my head, there was a pattern that emerged. I can remember very little about the actual moment these events happened. Yet I could readily access hordes and hordes of emotions and memories of the time leading up to those actual moments.

So, it stands to reason that the day I “pulled my plug” from the wall, I really felt nothing at all. Because the overloading of the outlet had happened long beforehand.

This awareness has brought a broader understanding of some of the patterns that I have noticed in my life. It hasn’t been THE MOMENTS that have taught me the lessons. It has been all the tiny slivers over time leading up to those specific instances where the learning has occurred; where the strength and the character have been built. Where I have been shaped into who I am today.

The moments themselves are just markers on a timeline. Everything in between is where the traction happens! This blog is about exploring that area…where nothing is concrete and clear. It’s often filled with uncertainty-and it’s messy. Like being in the weeds when you’re trying so hard to get back onto the path. The weeds have helped me grow exponentially-which, ironically, is what weeds usually do! No concerted effort, no planting, no grooming-just being.